Goodbye Isn't Always the Hardest Part
by tigersbride
Summary: With everything changing in a matter of weeks, Nikki and Harry have to learn to adapt to their new lives, but what if they don't want to? T for language. One shot.


**So I've been having the worst writer's block in history since the spoilers that destroyed all life last week, and I was hoping that by writing this now I might be able to get back to the happy stuff, and continue my other story. It's been a horribly busy week for me too, and I haven't been able to sit down at length til now. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this and I'm really sorry it's gargantuan. It's taken hours to write, but I couldn't leave anything out it wouldn't be right. (I'm not the BBC who will ultimately ignore everything and pretend like he never even existed.) I'm also having trouble getting the lines to work and the sections to separate, it won't accept asterisks or hyphons and the lines are playing up, but it's normally quite obvious because it'll change POV, so if it's playing up I apologise!**

* * *

Three long weeks had passed since she had said her final goodbye at the airport. Nikki hadn't been able to watch him go, she'd kept her eyes closed after their embrace, noticed the sparks of electricity that radiated down the length of her face as his soft lips pressed gently against her forehead. Her heightened senses took in his musty smell for the last time, and it seemed like her heart had stopped beating. Part of her wished it would. Death in her final moments with him would be sweeter than carrying on. She refused to open her eyes, even when she felt moisture on his cheeks. Was he crying? He couldn't be crying. She could feel her own tears falling from under her sealed eyelids. Her fingers were squeezed softly by his, and then he was gone.

She didn't care what people must have thought, a woman stood alone, eyes shut, crying, for what seemed like an eternity.

That was three weeks ago. Three long weeks.

Nothing was the same any more. He hadn't lived with her long, but long enough for her to get used to having him around. The first night without him she'd tossed and turned, suddenly aware of the darkness, the emptiness, the cold. It wasn't as if they'd shared a bed, but they'd shared a life. Nikki would never have admitted it to him, but he was her world, her everything. Every time she drifted to sleep the wind would wake her, and she'd find herself calling his name, needing the comfort he brought her.

Her first day back at work had felt wrong. His desk cleared, his absence haunting the Lyell centre as a whole. Leo, even, was quiet. He was trying to comfort her, and it helped to know that he was still there. When Harry's replacement had started, Nikki had taken instance dislike to him. Granted, she was being childish, and he was starting to grow on her, but he would always be a replacement, just that.

Every day that passed was both easier and harder. It was easier to accept, but her heart hurt more.

On the third day he'd phoned her. She'd tried to disguise the tears, but something told her that he knew they were falling. He'd told her about how much bigger the centre was, how the people all were nice and fascinated by his British accent, how much more funding was available, how it was so different in every way, and how strange he found it working without her and Leo. She'd told him everything here was ok, that it was all the same as ever. In reality a black hole had opened in the centre of London, sucking her and everything she'd ever known into its core.

"I will see you soon, Nik" he'd promised. "In a month or two. I need to give you back your necklace, remember?"

She'd smiled, agreeing. A small part of her didn't know if she could face seeing him again, because she'd have to face the goodbye for a second time.

Before he'd departed, they'd exchanged an item to remember each other by, with the promise that they would meet again to reclaim their possession. Fittingly, Nikki had given him a small silver cross on a short chain, one that she'd had since her childhood. He'd given her a small toy car, his favourite from when he was a boy. She played idly with the little red car as she spoke to him. The phone calls gradually became shorter and less often, they were just too painful.

Today was no different to any other, empty, quiet, lifeless. A paperwork day, and a boring one at that.

The new guy's jokes were always sour melodies, nothing like the flawless wit that Harry's had been. She hadn't spoken to Harry for a few days, their email conversation had been slowly dying out. It just hurt too much to write to him, to hear about how great New York was, how well he was getting on without her. Despite herself, the refresh button was always her favourite. Today's message brought a smile to her face, the first in weeks.

* * *

Did she think it had been an easy decision? Harry lay in the bed of his apartment for the 21st time, yet again unable to sleep. His eyes carried purple circles from his tiredness, his inability to settle. His lies rang through his every bone.

_It's great here_. He'd said. But I'd rather be with you.

_It's such a brilliant city. _Granted, it was spectacular, but it felt empty.

_The people are really nice. _But they aren't you.

_It's strange without you and Leo. _I miss you more than anything.

He couldn't get used to it at his new job. The office in New York was large, and he was a little fish in the big pond. It was strange to be so unimportant, the same as the other thirty pathologists in the firm. One of the receptionists, a slightly attractive brunette seemed fascinated by the new addition to the team, but her high pitched voice and over-excitable personality did nothing but drive Harry away. He longed to see Nikki sat with him at his desk, and more than once went to ask her for her opinion on a case before he realised she wasn't there.

The news about the conference in London had kept him going. In a week he'd be back on a plane, travelling home. He'd emailed Nikki excitedly, praying that she'd let him stay with her again. A sinking feeling wondered if she was seeing someone, not that it should bother him. Harry sighed and stared up at the ceiling. Who was he trying to kid, she was all he'd been able to think about since boarded the plane. The next morning though he had woken up to a warm response, agreeing to let him stay and offering a lift from the airport.

The subsequent week dragged more than he'd ever known a week to drag. Every second felt like a minute, every minute an hour. Sleep continued to evade him, and each night less time was spent with shut eyes. He was desperate to get back to his hometown, back to the woman he couldn't admit he was in love with.

When the plane finally landed in Gatwick the night before the conference, Harry waited eagerly at the luggage carousel, and half ran into the arrivals lounge after collecting his things. His eyes met the smiling face of the gorgeous blonde he missed so much, and he met her halfway in an embrace. Nikki wrapped her arms around his back and rested her head against his chest. He took in her perfume and her warmth as he laughed into her blonde hair. He placed a soft kiss onto her forehead and grinned down at her.

"I missed you Nik" he admitted. She smiled warmly and nodded in agreement.

They idly chatted as they made their way out of the South terminal and into the multi-storey car park opposite, exchanging gossip and tales from their time apart. When they eventually reached Nikki's home, Harry found himself looking up at it with longing.

"Are you alright?" Nikki asked gently.

Harry turned to look at her and noticed the concerned expression on her face. He realised he'd been staring and had got himself lost in his thoughts and homesickness. He smiled at her sadly and nodded.

"Yeah" he mumbled. "I'm fine. It just feels like nothing has changed".

It was late, and they'd agreed to go straight to bed once they got back. Nikki let him into his room and showed him where she'd put towels for him to use. Harry couldn't stop staring at her. She looked at him with a quizzical smile, and he wrapped his arms back around her to silence her before she spoke.

Nikki pulled away slowly, and whispered a quick goodnight before turning to the door and shutting herself in her own bedroom. Harry backed onto the bed and sat on its edge, running his hands through his hair. A part of him didn't know how he'd had it in him to leave. He definitely didn't know if he'd be able to leave again after this weekend quite so easily. He stripped off to his boxers, rummaging for an old t-shirt and pyjama bottoms in his bag. He threw them on and crawled into the bed, feeling the weight of the thick covers he didn't seem to need in New York.

He lay there for quite some time, eyes yet again failing to close and allow him time to dream. A strange noise filled his ears and he sat up, brow furrowed.

"Nikki?" He called, but no response came back to him. He climbed out of the bed and knocked softly on her door, which was unusually shut firmly. When she didn't answer, he turned the handle and edged inside, instantly filling with sadness as he realised that the sound was of Nikki's uncontrollable sobs. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and make her feel like the only important thing in the world, but he was stopped when she looked up at him, embarrassed. She desperately tried to wipe away the tears that glittered her face, but there were simply too many. Harry switched on the lamp and sat on the bed next to her, threading an arm over her body to pull her closer towards him.

"What's the matter?" He asked quietly, a selfish part of him hoping she missed him just as much as he missed her. Nikki seemed unable to speak, so Harry squirmed down into the covers next to her, holding her in a tight embrace as her tears dampened his t-shirt. They stayed like this for a while, until Nikki's sobs settled back into slow breaths. Harry leaned back so that he could see her face and brushed her hair behind her ears gently. Nikki avoided his eyes, and Harry felt an overwhelming surge of guilt. Was this all because of him?

"Come on Nik" He moaned quietly, imploring her to confide in him.

"It's really hard Harry" She said abruptly. "It was hard to say goodbye to you, and you're back but I'll have to go through all of that again when you leave."

Harry's brow furrowed as he finally met her eyes, seeing anger, sadness and longing fighting a battle in the darkness of her irises. "I know, Nikki. It's not exactly been easy for me either."

"But you know what it's like here for me, it's never been truly my home. It's not like I've got many friends I can rely on, or anyone to stick around for. Since I started working with you and Leo my life has been just that, you, Leo and work."

Nikki took a deep breath and broke their eye contact. Harry remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

"And then you announce that you've been offered this job, this great opportunity you can't turn down, and I'm happy for you Harry I really am, but I've lost you from my life and I've only now realised just how much I needed you." She paused and sighed. "You're my best friend Harry".

Harry met the hurt in her eyes with tears in his own. "I'm finding it really hard to live without you, Nikki". He admitted quietly. "It's empty in New York, it's not home without you."

"We'll get used to it" Nikki sighed in defeat. She didn't know what she'd expected, but it hadn't been the plan for him to see the state she'd got herself in. She felt Harry's fingers slowly stroking the edge of her cheek, and smiled sadly when they lifted up her chin so her eyes were brought up to meet his.

"What if..." He started quietly, nervously. "What if I don't want to get used to it?"

"Harry don't be stupid, you've been given an amazing chance here, the job in New York is far better than a job in the Lyell centre."

"I don't care Nik."

"Well you should." Nikki's abrupt tone signalled the end of the conversation.

Harry sighed and rolled onto his back, wondering if she was expecting him to return to the spare room. As if in answer, she lifted her head and settled it on his shoulder, wrapping an arm around around his chest.

"You smell nice" she whispered, a cheeky smile lighting up her face. Harry laughed, and switched off the light.

* * *

That night, Harry slept better than he had since he'd learned of his job offer, and he knew it wasn't because of his jet lag.

The conference the next day dragged, it was one of the ones Harry would normally have dreaded. He was just grateful for the opportunity to spend time with Nikki, and catch up with Leo. Nikki was much happier than she had been the night before, and after a few awkward glances at breakfast they were back to their joking, flirty selves. During the talks, Harry would drape his arm round the back of Nikki's chair, and would occasionally feel her lean into him. At the lunch, he took her hand as he led her toward the queue, and they seemed to forget to let go.

When they went back home together that night, they picked up a Chinese takeaway from their local, and sat on the sofa together to eat it with a film and a few large glasses of wine.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Nikki asked softly.

"I have no idea" Harry replied, "As long as we can relax a bit."

"Take it as it comes then? Maybe we should go out somewhere for lunch tomorrow, with Leo and Janet, you know, as it's your... well, as you'll be off then."

Harry couldn't help but hear the falter in Nikki's voice when she spoke about his leaving. "That'd be nice".

The thought of going back to New York alone was painful. He may as well be marching to his death. He didn't want to face the empty nights and the lonely days, he wanted to stay right where he was. A few minutes passed in silence as Nikki texted Leo to arrange their lunch. Harry played with the remainder of his food, his dread quashing his appetite.

"I don't want to go back, Nikki".

Nikki swallowed, looking at him sadly. "You have to Harry. You can't waste this opportunity. You'll be fine, you'll make friends and everything will go alright for you."

"And what about for you, Nik?" He started, exasperated. "Where's your happy ending in this?"

"Harry it's not really about me, and besides I'll be fine. I might go back to South Africa for a bit."

"Don't do that" He said more forcefully than he should have. It would be a lot harder to think up excuses to visit if she returned home. He brushed the topic away quickly before she could argue. "What if it was about you?"

"It's not."

He only now realised that they'd raised their voices slightly. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. Why couldn't she see it? He just wanted to be with her, platonically if she wouldn't have him any other way. They were meant to spend their lives together, as best friends or as lovers. The time had come for her to choose. Harry gulped and began again, quieter.

"I can't live without you because I'm meant to have you in my life, one way or another. You're my best friend, Nikki, but being without you has made me realise that I'm in love with you." He ended his speech barely more than a whisper, nerves suppressing his voice.

Nikki stared at him in shock, wide eyes searching his for a hint of a joke or a lie.

"You're in love with me?" She asked rhetorically. Harry nodded slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on her to try and prepare his heart for breaking. She sat in silence, looking at her lap, wondering what to say. She wanted to laugh and smile, to kiss him and hold him, but if she did she would be denying him this opportunity, and as much as she wanted to, he was her best friend and he deserved it. She painted on a mask of awkwardness and looked up at him.

"Harry..." She started softly. "I... I don't know what to say."

"It's alright Nikki, I get it if you don't feel the same."

Nikki remained silent, but could feel the weight of the two broken hearts occupying her room. More than once it nearly overcame her and she nearly threw herself at him, but she remained strong. Harry stared at the floor, praying he hadn't just destroyed his closest friendship. He had been sure she felt the same, sure that the months, years of flirting would eventually have lead to a perfect relationship, to marriage and children. He wasn't usually wrong when it came to romance. Nikki was an anomaly.

"I'm sorry" Nikki whispered. Harry turned back to face her and smiled, hoping she couldn't see the tears in his eyes. He shrugged softly, and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. When she noticed the redness in his eyes, and the tears dancing the edges of his eyelids, her own tears formed and dove down her skin. His started to fall too, and she wriggled close to him, inching back into an embrace.

"I've royally fucked this up, haven't I?" He said with a half-laugh, half-sob. She chuckled, nodding her head where it met his chest.

Nikki pulled her head back from him, and met his eyes again. It hurt her to see the tears that continued to fall slowly, and as one left his eye, she kissed his cheek to stop it in its tracks. Again, she pulled her head away from him, and touched her forehead to his, feeling his hand place itself on the back of her neck. She could see his pain, and feel it, like every injury he obtained mirrored onto her own body. The proximity heightened her senses, which seemed to combine with her heart to overpower her mind. She leant into him, and felt him do the same, relief washing over her as their lips touched in a soft kiss.

The sparks that seemed to fly from their mouths landed on her chest and set alight, fuelling a burning passion in her heart that made her push him backwards on the sofa, and land on him gently. His arms twined around her back, gripping at her sides, and together they deepened the kiss, allowing each other what they both needed so much.

* * *

When they awoke, naked and interlocked the next morning, Nikki looked at Harry guiltily. She would have to lie again to get him to leave her now, and it would be a lot harder to get him to believe it. She'd complicated this far beyond what she should have.

"Morning" he said gently as he opened his eyes and noticed her staring at him. A hint of awkwardness laced his tone.

"Hi" she responded. They wasted a few minutes looking up at the ceiling and pulling on clothing that had been torn off the night before. "We shouldn't have done that." She said finally. "I shouldn't have done that."

Harry sighed, unable to meet her eyes. He was worried she might have done this out of sympathy, or because she knew she could. The thought saddened him.

"I'm sorry that I took advantage of you" She said quietly, voice moulding into the lie.

"Let's just forget about it." He whispered, and went to prepare breakfast for them both. When they'd both eaten, silently, he went upstairs to pack his things. Maybe it would be better now he knew he didn't have a chance with her. It didn't feel so much like home when he knew that she just wanted him as a friend, that there were never any intentions for the future.

Their lunch date with Leo and Janet was awkward, but the added participants did lighten the mood and provide something of an escape route. Leo, as always, knew that something was wrong.

"What's going on with you and Nikki? You can't look each other in the eye." He muttered to Harry whilst the women chatted.

"It's a long story..." Harry began, "But basically I've screwed things up. I told her that I loved her, and she told me that she didn't feel the same, and then we slept together."

Leo looked at him blankly, a hint of confusion apparent. "But she's been a mess without you. I thought she'd been in love with you for years."

Harry shrugged and went back to playing with the food on his plate, while Leo watched Nikki closely.

* * *

In what seemed like minutes, Harry and Nikki were back in the airport, ready to say their goodbyes. Despite the awkward day, and the mess they had both made of things, the reality of the situation seemed to dawn on them and they stood together in a hug for some time, tears splattering once again onto their individual clothes. Unlike the last time they said goodbye, the hug was all Harry was willing to give. When they broke apart, he squeezed her hand and turned to leave, but she stepped forward and took his arm again.

"Harry..." She moaned, pulling on his arm so they were close together once more. With her free hand she pressed on the back of his head and moved his face closer to hers, leaving a gentle kiss on his lips. He smiled at her when she let go, and this time she watched as he left through the door to the departures area.

That evening went slower than the whole weekend had, and Nikki cried for the majority of it. She half regretted not asking Harry to stay with her, but she knew he would be happier this way, and he wouldn't be able to resent her for holding him back. She didn't sleep that night, no matter how hard she tried.

When she arrived at the office the next morning, immediately sickened by the sight of the replacement, she was caught by Leo and asked into his office. She wondered what she'd done as she sat down opposite him.

"What the hell happened on Saturday, Nikki?" He asked firmly.

Nikki pleaded ignorant. "What do you mean?"

"Harry told me a brief account of what happened, that he confessed to loving you and you denied loving him? Nikki I've known you for a long time now, and I've seen what you've been like without him. I know you well enough to know that if you're not in love with him then you must have a personality disorder or abandonment issues, because people who aren't in love with other people don't react like that when they leave."

Nikki stared at him with a guilt ridden expression. "Oh, that..."

"Yes, that." Leo sighed, leaning back in his chair. "What is wrong with you two? He was heartbroken yesterday."

"I know." She sighed. "I just thought that if I told him the truth that he'd do something stupid like stay and waste this big opportunity."

"The truth being that you are in fact, in love with him?"

Nikki rolled her eyes. "Yes."

* * *

Harry's day was the worst he'd had in the three weeks he'd been out there. He was feeling incredibly sorry for himself, and couldn't pluck up the energy to do anything properly. His case was a nightmare, the leads seemed to bounce off each other, nothing was coming together. He couldn't tell if this was because he was so distracted. His heart physically ached inside him, and he felt constantly sick. Not only had he ruined his friendship, he'd been living with a hope created by a fool, a hope of requited love and one day family.

In his lunch hour, he'd gone for a walk around central park, to try and get over everything that had happened so that he could concentrate again. It hadn't worked and his afternoon had been just as unsuccessful as the morning. He would have to work late tonight. As he sat back down at his desk he opened the drawer and took out the photo he had brought of himself and Nikki, arms around each other and grinning manically at the camera. It had always been his favourite photo of the two of them, taken at a Christmas party in a bar. He'd liked it because Nikki had looked stunning, her laughter had heightened her features. Feeling the throb of pain in his chest, he got back to work, or tried to. Nothing seemed to make sense in this case.

When he eventually left the office at 9pm that evening, he ambled slowly to the subway station, picking up a newspaper from a stand on the street. He flicked through the pages on the train, but threw it into the bin as he reached his stop. He walked up the stairs and towards his apartment, eventually letting himself in. He grabbed a microwave meal from the fridge and set it to cook, as he sat down in his armchair and flicked the TV on. About half an hour, or one episode of an American comedy after he'd finished his meal, he heard a knock at the door. The landlord, he sighed. He had come to collect the first lot of rent and set up payments.

"Two seconds" He called, and rummaged in his bedroom for his cheque book. He grabbed it and pulled back the door, beginning a conversation about how much he owed.

Harry did a double take as he regarded the person standing in front of him, looking cold and tired, but hopeful. "You're not the landlord..." he whispered in shock.

Nikki shook her head silently, breaking into a shy smile. "Hello again. Can I come in?"

Harry nodded, taking a step back to allow her into the apartment. He picked up her bag from the bottom of the steps and lifted it inside for her.

"What are you doing here?" He asked her, wondering what had happened that meant she needed to come all the way here. His thoughts drifted to his family and to Leo and Janet.

"The thing is, Harry, I was talking to Leo, and well, he was saying how, how I'd been..." She mumbled quickly, her well rehearsed speech falling to pieces. He took a step towards her and put his hands on her shoulders, comforting her. "How I'd been a total idiot."

Harry chuckled, meeting the eyes that gazed at him with longing. These were the eyes he remembered, the eyes that had painted an image of his potential future within him so long ago. "Go on" he whispered.

"You see, when you told me that you loved me, I panicked, not because I didn't want to hear it but because I didn't want you to ruin your career hopes because of me... And so I lied to you, or rather I just didn't say anything at all. But really, Harry, I mean I didn't have anything in London when you weren't there, so, what I'm trying to say, is that, well..." She was faltering, falling flat on her face, desperately trying to get the words out and worry about the consequences later, but the words were failing her. She noticed a wide smile spread across his lips, and it gave her the confidence to continue. "Well, if you'll still have me, I'm yours."

Harry grinned, throwing his arms around her waist and picking her up. She squealed in laughter and buried her head in his shoulders, pulling away only to kiss him deeply.

When he finally let her go, a few minutes later, she continued. "I've got a couple of job interviews around here. I've applied for literally every job in our field in the city, and a couple already got back to me inviting me to interview. It was Leo's idea, either he couldn't stand the sight of me any more or he knew I'm no good without you."

They laughed together, and Harry wondered if he'd ever feel unhappy again.

"I love you, Nikki, more than you know."

"I love you too" She said finally, and pressed her lips to his again.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed this, I know it's really really long, but this is literally the only way I can see it panning out, maybe not after three weeks but at some point in S16... I think I remember reading that he's meant to be in one episode? Whether or not that is true or will change we'll see. But even if it doesn't happen I wish it would. :(**

**Let me know what you think, anyway! **


End file.
